Why Does It Seem So Scary`Thoughts that make me go uhh

I have been listening to Esther Hicks and she keeps talking about allowing yourself to go down stream, down stream, down stream she will repeat again and again, and it seems scary and I experience anxiety filled moments of just trying to imagine what it might be like, to let go. Let go? What is it I am holding on too? What is it that I clutch and am so terrified at the very thought of letting go. I have seen how so, up stream, up stream, up stream I am and it is really to no avail well I have survived so that should count for something its only fair. Fair; we want it all to be so fair. Don't we? But really fair right? Oh God here with go with right. How right you are! Don't you know I am right...don't you think? Right, if we are right, does that mean there has to be others that have to be wrong so it that we can be right? We spend so much time and unmeasurable amounts of energy trying to be right or at least not to be wrong and we forget who we are and why we are here. Why are we here? But really why are we here. Here this moment, this space, this very second why are we here? When we dare to look what might we see? Today it looks not too bad, tomorrow might be not so good. What we do in the meantime with all this going on, we keep going up stream, up stream, up stream and trying to pretend this is all normal. Well isn't it?

WAITING?

Forgetting for just a moment, what a blissful notion.

Forgetting all those things I have told myself of why, why, why, like a such as; things are this way or that. Or why I can't, when I really know I can. Why I don't when it is something I say I really want. My world is a miss-match for what I say, I, would like to do, say or be. I am yearning for the opportunity to step up and or out. Am I, looking for the particular person, place or thing to give me the go ahead... waiting and waiting and then more waiting. I have to ask myself what is it I am waiting for. Robert you are turning another year older next month, what is it or who is it you might be waiting for? But really? I discovered that I have spent a great portion of my life in the waiting mode and I am going to wait no more. It is not like some one said Robert you need to wait right here and I have waited for more than 50 years,no one said that. I am clear no one said that, so I am now wondering why was I waiting. I am going within, to discover and bring forth the gifts that I was given upon my day of conception. It is my inner being that will guide me into this created life I will begin to allow. This is not to say these past years are wasted years oh absolutely not, I have learned plenty for I am a student. I have witnessed plenty and I have lived plenty of that I am sure. Where I go from here is what I am not sure about and I believe this is a good thing.